14 December 2011

Coming Clean

Even though I'm not technically on winter break from school yet, since I have one pesky paper standing between me and it, I've already started my resolution to get back into blogging.  And last week, when I did, it felt REALLY good.  I redesigned and re-titled, I've started having that glorious stream of consciousness, never-ending blog post soliloquy going on in the back of my head again, and I've been going back through old posts to label them for my spiffy new label cloud.  In all this process, though, I stumbled onto something I think I've known for ages, but which I now realize is a much bigger factor than I'd previously thought:  I really miss Barry.

Barry's "An Explorer's View of Life" was the first blog I ever followed, and while I never followed it (or him) in a creepy, stalkerish way, he was very much the blogger that I wanted to become.  We never met, and we never talked save for a few traded comments and emails, but we built this strange, blog-based relationship that left me (and my blog) with a big, Barry-shaped hole after he died last summer.  
And then Tessa, at "An Aerial Armadillo" followed him last December.  
And then I just didn't really feel like writing anymore.  

I can't believe I didn't realize the connection before, but going back through old posts I realized that those two people and their blogs really touched my heart in a special way.  They were part of the original gang in the Friday Photo Shoot-Outs, they did the Willow Manor Ball, and they shared a unique zest for life that I would love to emulate, and that I'd like to think that I did emulate for awhile.  Lest I descend into thinking that their departures are solely responsible for my waning interest in writing, I have to remind myself (and apparently anyone who's reading this) that between Barry's death in July and Tessa's in December came September 2010, the Lost Month in which I was in early labor the. entire. friggin. time.  And then there was October 2010, the Second Lost Month in which Ainslie was born and we were in the NICU for the rest of the majority of the month.  Over the past 14 months since then, I've looked back on Facebook posts and on here, and I've realized two things:
1)  I'm a ridiculously positive person
2)  That positivity gets in the way of the truth sometimes

And the truth is this:  as much as I tried to shrug it off and focus on the positive in public (or semi-public social networking situations), last Fall was hell.  Ainslie almost died.  I almost died.  And I've been fighting all the emotional turmoil (my euphemism of choice, since PTSD sounds too clinical and trendy to me) that's come from that ever since.  When I started this blog back in 2007, I vowed not to let it turn into my high school-era LiveJournal (ooo, remember those?) where I just whined a lot about not having a boyfriend or being popular--you know, the Stuff That's Really Important in high school.  But there is a middle ground between being whiny and being truthful.  And I would like to start being more truthful here.  

Barry and Tessa both took life by the horns and enjoyed every little experience, including (if it's at all possible) their terminal diseases.  I don't have a terminal disease;  I just had an experience that could act as a terminal disease to my spirit.  But I don't want it to.  So here I am, writing again, and I will go back to my blogging roots, in the spirit of Barry and Tessa, and take life by the horns including the good and the bad. And I will write about both this time.  


christina savage said...

I really like this post. And I am glad that you are writting again (for mostly selfish reasons), because I love reading your blog!

GingerV said...

I have followed your blog - almost religiously just as you did Barry (whom i miss) and Tessa (I never read)- finding your writing fresh and truthful - except for when you had the baby then never wrote about her.... so I knew without you saying that there were problems.
I also do not like to focus on the bad, but being pragmatic not positive nor negative to the extreems, in my writing I have tried to just talk of what I see and at times feel, using the blog as a journal, not a high school journal but an adult one - seeing and writing as an adult. you do this quite well and I look forward to hearing what you have to say as you continue to grow. kisses from Brasil.

Heather said...

Love you, beautiful. Glad you have you back. I wish so much that we could hang out with you guys!